Still Cooking.

Labor with no Delivery. Not what I expected and completely opposite of what I wanted. I am 39 weeks. I psyched myself up to have a baby this weekend. I’m not looking forward to delivery. It actually terrifies me. I went to my Dr. Friday at 11 to get “the balloon.” This thing, inputted into my cervix is suppose to kick - start dilation. He also told me he scheduled me to go to the hospital at 4 am to be induced this morning if I didn’t go on my own by then. I figured (had wishfully thinking) that I would be able to go on my own and not need pitocin. From the time we got home from the Dr. Friday at 2pm I was having regular but bearable contractions and constant pressure. And the balloon did its job. When I arrived at the hospital at 4 am this morning I was dilated to a 3. I was off to a good start. They started pitocin, and figured within a couple hours I would need an epidural and the nurses were guessing by late afternoon I would be having a baby.

Not the case. I was on pitocin for 12 hours and dilated a whole half a centimeter. By the last time the nurse checked me around 3:30pm I was disappointed and done. I was hungry for more than my ice chip diet, I was uncomfortable just sitting in the bed all day, and I finally starting crying for Jordan that I just wanted to go home. The contractions had mellowed, it was obvious they weren’t intensifying like the nurse wanted and I just didn’t see any progress happening since they’d had me on the max dosage for the last 4 hours with nothing. At that point, I just want to go home. Home where I could eat. And walk around. And get comfortable on the couch or in my own bed. My Dr. came in around 4:30 pm and gave me my options. It was apparent Carson just wasn’t ready to come. (1) He said I could go home. (2) I could go off pitocin, eat dinner, stay in the hospital overnight and then they would start all over tomorrow. Or (3) he could break my water (although both him and the nurse didn’t like the idea because Carson is still sitting too high) but then I was committed so if he didn’t come in a reasonable time period, I would have to have a C-section. I didn’t want to stay overnight and try again tomorrow. I really didn’t want to go through all of that tomorrow just to be disappointed all over again. And since the Dr. sounded somewhat hesitant with breaking my water, I’m not in that big of a hurry. So I came to terms, if homeboys not ready, then he’s not ready.

I have mixed emotions. I wanted to hold a baby today. I wanted to come home with a baby tomorrow. But if little Carson isn’t ready to come, I’ll just be patient and keep waiting since technically I have another week.

This picture cracks me up. Jordan watched college basketball today. And he had phone duty, managing both phones texting and keeping our parents updated about nothing.

Jordan’s been such a trooper. It has a been a long two days with not much sleep for him. He was so giddy today. I know he was anxious about meeting the little guy. It broke my heart. But he was so supportive and loving, always by my side. He made me think how lucky I am to be married to him. He can make me feel better when no one else can. He was there to tell me it's ok to cry - when I should be crying in pain - not to go home. It just makes me love him more and more.